


Dirtbag Beowulf

by izzybeth



Category: Beowulf (Poem), Dirtbag Classics (The Toast)
Genre: Gen, Homophobic Language, teenagers being dirtbags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 10:38:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2847953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzybeth/pseuds/izzybeth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anglo-Saxon your mom jokes. I'm so sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirtbag Beowulf

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Grevling](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grevling/gifts).



UNFERTH: dude there's a monster attacking your hall  
HROTHGAR: [picking his teeth] ok  
UNFERTH: yeah it's killing all your guys  
HROTHGAR: wow  
UNFERTH: and no one can kill it  
HROTHGAR: that's fucking fascinating  
UNFERTH: maybe you should get off your royal ass and do something about it  
HROTHGAR: maybe you should let it kill you too jackass

BEOWULF: hey so like  
i'm here  
to save your ass  
or whatever  
HROTHGAR: it's been twelve years what the fuck took you so long  
BEOWULF: it takes a long time to get this pretty

BEOWULF: remind me why you can't handle this shit yourself  
HROTHGAR: because  
like  
fuck you that's why  
BEOWULF: [eyeroll]

UNFERTH: who's the tool  
BEOWULF: [offers UNFERTH a cigarette]  
UNFERTH: pssh  
BEOWULF: jerkwad

GRENDEL: oh what  
are you gonna try to stick a sword in me or something  
BEOWULF: are we gonna fight or are you gonna whine  
GRENDEL: your mom's gonna whine  
BEOWULF: nuh-uh _your_ mom's _face_ is gonna whine  
GRENDEL: what  
BEOWULF: your mom's _butt_ is gonna whine  
GRENDEL: what the fuck  
[punches BEOWULF in the face]  
BEOWULF: did your mom teach you how to fight too

BEOWULF: hey i like slew that greasy murdery dude for you  
HROTHGAR: cool  
let's have a party i guess  
and you should be my foster-son or whatever  
BEOWULF: cool  
WEALHTHEOW: great more bros

SKALD: i sing of the glorious--  
BEOWULF: [puts in earbuds]  
SKALD: but there's a dragon  
BEOWULF: have you ever listened to sublime

BEOWULF: so apparently i'm supposed to kill you too  
GRENDEL'S MOTHER: fucking kids  
did you kill grendel  
BEOWULF: yeah  
GRENDEL'S MOTHER: gay  
BEOWULF: whatevs [kills GRENDEL'S MOTHER]

BEOWULF: i killed the other monster  
which you didn't actually tell me about  
dick  
HROTHGAR: i know you are but what am i

SKALD: i have another song  
BEOWULF: [heavy sigh]

WEALHTHEOW: ok go home now  
BEOWULF: fine whatever [grabs a fancy sword on the way out]

[FIFTY YEARS LATER]

BEOWULF: didn't sublime have a song about a dragon  
DRAGON: [kills BEOWULF]


End file.
